The Sweet Spot of Singleness

“Set your heart on things above not below.” “Wait on God’s timing.” “Learn to love your own company.” “Find your identity in Christ.” These are but a few things I heard and read when I was single and broken.  I’m still single, but I’m not that desperate woman defined by her loneliness anymore. I hated the many books I read from marrieds and other Christian relationship gurus trying to school singles on “the wait.” I thought they were pat responses from those who had made it to coupledom. They didn’t know what I was going through. They were simply saying what sounded spiritual. Their words lacked any practicality and only the super dedicated could ever hope to fulfill their ideals. I often cried about my singleness. I lived Psalm 42:3, “My tears have been my food day and night.” My pillow was always soaked with tears. I felt invisible and unattractive. I just knew that I was cursed. I could not understand why this one thing eluded me. When I came to Christ in 2009, I was in a “relationship” that I desperately wanted to culminate in marriage. He was perfect, at least to me. We had such a wonderful connection, but God had other plans. Our “relationship” abruptly ended in late 2010. I picked up my phone to dial his number so many times, but the Holy Spirit said, “don’t do it,” and I didn’t. In addition to the “break-up”, I was also dealing with the death of my grandmother. It was all so overwhelming. There was really no one to turn to. Although, my relationship was very important to me, I didn’t talk much about him. It’s not that I didn’t want to; it felt awkward. I was always the girl without a boyfriend. Therefore, unloading my pain and confusion on others was not something I wanted to do.

During this time, I found myself alone with God. I sat in my secret place and cried out to Him. God was truly my Comforter. He healed me in a variety of ways. The memories that were created during this time of communion with Him are so dear to my heart. God was there for me in a tangible way. I asked Him to pull the weeds of sin and discord from my heart. I asked Him to make me whole. When you pray, be careful what you ask for, especially if it’s a hard thing. God will answer every genuine pray for sanctification and it may not be in the ways you like. He answered the prayers I lifted up for wholeness. One day, I realized I hadn’t cried about my singleness for a long time. I hadn’t cried watching “Say Yes to the Dress” in a long time. I was happier with my life and myself in general. I was getting stronger and stronger each passing month. The Lord gave me the courage to discard a collection of artifacts I had saved from the “relationship” such as plane ticket stubs, a Mizpah necklace, and text messages. I deleted the instant messages I read repeatedly like a junky and the internet stalking ceased. It was truly amazing. The ideal of a woman being whole and content in her singleness was becoming a reality in my life and I marveled. The marrieds and Christian relationship gurus were right after all. I didn’t hate them anymore; they were my friends now. I could take their books out of the box labeled “for the bonfire.” I had truly arrived at the place I like to call the “sweet spot of singleness.”

Yes, my brothers and sisters there is such a place, but you have to being willing to let God lead you by the hand, often blindfolded. He will not consult you on the best route to get there. He will not ask if you are enjoying the trip. God is not interested in getting anyone to coupledom for the sake of romantic love. We have our notions of soul mates, love, and romance, but Jesus didn’t die for us to meet the man or woman of our dreams and live happily ever after. The Lord wants us to be joyful and content, but He wants us to find our contentment in Him, not any person, relationship, or circumstances. He desires we be transformed into the image of Christ. Jesus will present His bride to “himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless” (Ephesians 5:27). That is God’s foremost will for us.

I get it, I really do. You are sick and tired of being sick and tired of waiting on God’s timing. You’ve grown tired of dateless Friday and Saturday evenings. You want to shut the mouths of your family and friends who pester you at every gathering about when you’re going to walk down the aisle and have babies. You want companionship. You want to be loved and appreciated. You are fed up with relationship/engagement/be content with your singleness posts on your Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Is the journey difficult? Yes, but it’s worth it. Jesus is truly my Savior. He saved me from sin, death, and God’s wrath, but He saved me from myself as well. You may not want to hear it, but if Jesus is not the One you’re completely satisfied in, then life is never going to get much better. You’re always going to focus on what you don’t have rather than what God has already done for you. You have the privilege of a relationship with the Alpha and Omega, the Everlasting God, don’t cheat yourself. I’m not saying you have to relinquish your desires for a spouse completely, but don’t let it become your breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Don’t let it depress you and consume your every thought. Don’t let it exhaust your tear ducts so you won’t have any tears left for those heartwarming moments of life. Give your pillows a break. Jesus is enough, if you let Him be. Seek Him intentionally, regularly, and passionately; He’s waiting.

A few questions, if you never get married, will God still hold the same place in your heart? Will you still trust Him and proclaim His faithfulness? Will you go out of the bounds of His will to meet your desires or submit to His sovereign purpose for your life? If we allow singleness to become a rope that binds us in loneliness, bitterness, and anxiety, we will never be content with our lot in life. When we let God be God, we can proclaim with Job, “though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him” (Job 13:15).